I have stopped worrying now.

Even if you’re still out there

waiting behind every corner

with your eyes on

me; staring

like the hawk at its prey

with a smile so

twisted.

I have stopped worrying.

Even if you’re still there

with fresh memories

and an ache in your heart;

with wild burning in your eyes

a noticeable limp in your stride

with a mask for each day

and vengeance as you sleep

alone.

I have stopped.

Even if you’re there

reminding me every day

how I held your glass globe

and it slipped through

my clumsy fingers;

I never bothered

to pick up the pieces

knowing I couldn’t

put them back in

place.

I have.

Even if.

i am changing this into a dreamjournal. not that anyone looks here anyway, this is just for my records. each time i'll post one current dream, then one/a few from my archive of dreams in my head. yes, i always remember dreams.

last nite i had another dream of travelling. i cant really remember how it really went, all i know is that i was trying to get on a coach to leave. there was like sum conflict which caused me to want to go away. then i think i met sum1 but i dont know who he was, and we just sat staring out into the sunset. the bright red sun was reflected off a shiny glass building, and i actually saw the twin towers, plus a beach and a coconut tree, all in a sorta picturesque view. it was so pretty and i took a photo, and more photos as the sun set. then i suddenly felt so sad when i woke.

sometime when i was 3. i know this dream cos it replayed in my head for recurring nites i think. i dreamt of this place, like corridors down a hallway. it's like the classic closed-doored-hallway thingy where u walk along and everything looks the same and ur scared n stuff. or actually, i'm not even sure of what it really was anymore. it's just that many years later (in 1999 i think) i went to perth and i saw the exact place. really, i cant remember it now but at that moment i freaked out. it's like, a dream come to life. cool and weird at the same time.

i used to dream a lot about adventures, with nature close to me. once i dreamt of high waves crashing upon a cliff in a storm, while i stood up there with a supermarket trolley. weird, but a few days later the tsunami happened. yea, the 26th dec 04 one. so scary.

sunday 12/2/06, 8.09 pm

because of this day i am forced to recall a day of much emotion. lionel's leaving, just as manda left less than a year ago. seems like it's been ages though.

anyway, i never wanted to think of it as another farewell. no, that would be too much for me. my symbolism is the setting of the moon.

imagine a dark night when the wind blows and the land is cold. then, picture the moon, a bright circle of glowing warmth that is not exactly the hottest thing existing, nevertheless lighting u up when u needed it most.

and then, it sets, just sinking slowly and out of our vision, to light up other parts of the world. it doesnt mean it's gone forever, cos we're bound to see it the following night. it plays its role wherever it goes, and we do not miss it with an ache in our heart; but rather, think of it fondly and reminisce over the good times its role has played in our lives.

that's how i feel about you, lionel. just because there was no formal goodbye doesn't mean we won't be missing you. so just a well wish to say have a great time wherever you go.

and to manda, whether u read this or not i dont know. but u are in fact not the setting moon. u r the setting sun. without u, there is no moon, no stars, no warmth... no me. the fact is im very sentimental (despite my not acting that way) and some things matter very VERY much to me.

all for now. need to add some funny stuff.